~!Change the World * Begin with Yaself!~

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

My footsteps were really fast... I requested to leave earlier from work since internet connection was down... I couldn't do much again today... All i could think of the whole day was to see him first thing straight after work... Prayed so hard for him the very moment he messaged me he was going into the surgical room... Prayed hard to the lord that he will be protected and blessed...

Reached the hospital and saw him... I felt so nervous... Never felt this way for a very long time... I felt really happy seeing him... But he seems so much in pain and tired... He puked out everything he drank... Poor him... It hurts me so much seeing him like that but i couldn't do much... His classmates came too today and her too... I felt so weird... It was like i was invisible... None of them looked at me straight in the face nor in the eyes... Like i don't exist at all... I felt so much like crying... But i held it back terribly... I said before i will be happy in front of him no matter what... Don't want him to feel pulled back so he can live his life happily... I had dinner with his Mum... She send me back home too... Really thank her... I hope he will get well soon... Perhaps one day, i could still see him play rugby again... Something that he loved so much all his life...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:12 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

I was really down yesterday... After the check up in the morning... My whole day seems to be in thoughts... I seem to have so many things in my head at the same time...

I went down to Sweet Secrets to look for Sok and Siew... I don't know if it was cause i was down or what... I feel that there is a friendship gap between Sok and i now... If i have offended you and neglected you in anyway this period of time... I'm really sorry... I do cherish this friendship very much... I do... I went down to Wen Qi's house to pass him the hand mosturizer i bought earlier... Put it in your bag and bring it to work... You must share with Malcolm also ar...?

I met up with Gary later at night... We had no plans to go anywhere... Before i left the house, my Mum told me to help her buy broccoli if i do pass by a supermarket... Since we had no where to go... Gary drove me to Cold Storage to get the broccoli... I really have no idea how to choose it... Everything looks the same to me... We were there for some time just to choose the 2 best broccoli i could find but it was more of like any how picking... We went to The Cheesecake Cafe after that... Had a Peach & Jelly Cheesecake and a Apple Strudel with Vanilla ice cream... The atmosphere there was really great... Talking to Gary always made me realized alot of things... He was always someone whose words show depths of advices and understanding... We kinda meet up with Ziling cause she was feeling down too... We went to Fort Road to chill... So much talking... I came home really late last night...

I want to make the best of what i have now... I want to see things in the most optimistic way and live life to the fullest... Now... I've decided to spend more time and effort to care about those around me... Do all the things that i never thought i had a chance to... If something were to happen to me in future... I know at least once i did try to do all the things and that i will not regret if i look back on it...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:38 AM

Saturday, March 27, 2004

I just came home from the hospital... Well i don't know if it's good or bad news... The doctor says... I am fine... At least for now... I still have to live on don't i...?

While i was waiting for my turn for the ultrasound checkup... I started thinking... Then i thought of the things he said... The problems we had... He said that part of the reason he wanted to break up with me was cause we can't communicate well... He said that i don't tell him things... Well... I've always been like this... Never want to bother the people around me with my own problems... Furthermore, he has his own... I just don't want to put more problems for him to carry... Most importantly i didn't want him to worry... When i first found out about this that happened to me... I didn't tell him... It's when he came to my house... Saw the letter from the hospital that he learned about it... I remember he held me really tight in the toilet after he found out about it... Then... I felt so warming... I always felt that silent presence was the most comforting... I don't have to tell him anything... He don't have to tell me anything either... But being with him by my side, i would always feel happier... Always have been...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 3:24 PM

Friday, March 26, 2004

Seriously... I'm so afraid of the check up tomorrow... Guess i'm gonna feel really cold again at the hospital... I know myself and my body better than anyone else... I think it's not going to be good... Mum is accompanying me there tomorrow... Never told my Dad since the first day i found out about it... Dad's job has always been stressful... I don't want him to worry for me... But my Mum she does... And i know too that she is gonna worry for me...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:21 PM

Well... I see your comments Mr 'Terence'... Perhaps you have a misunderstanding or reading misinterpretation... I never wrote in the blog that any of the guys send me home are after me, liked me or that i am beautiful...? Besides, this few days... For all the guy friends who have been sending me home are people who have been friends with me for a long time... And i cherish those friendship more than anything else... What i meant was that it feels so weird nowadays... My ex bf used to send me home, sometimes he doesn't at all... When everything ended recently... People seems to be sending me home... They are doing so for my concern, safety and like you said it's just a gentlemenly gesture... Perhaps you would like to read my blog slowly and carefully again to understand what i am really trying to say... No offense too here... Thanx for commenting anyway...

Alright! I've settled that... Today i didn't really work at all... The server was down so there was no internet connection... Therefore i didn't touch one bit of programming codes... So i decided to help June to learn the PHP programming... You know what? I end up talking to her... Haha... For all the things that she said, it made me look at things in the happier way... And because of today... I got to know her alot better... She is actually quite a sensible girl... Then i suddenly thought to myself... When was the last time i showed true concern to ask about the people around me... 'What are you doing nowadays? How's everything in your life?' It's just a simple 2 questions but i realized alot of people just hardly ask them including myself... Well i guess it's all about putting a little more effort to care about the people around me...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:38 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

I had a pretty good night sleep last night... At least it was alot better than the last few nights...

I just came home from work... A pretty tiring day... Actually i felt i wasn't working very hard today... Supervisor was not around than the other programmer was sick... So i slacked alot today... People like Malcolm don't even need to work... Party for the whole night on Wednesday and took MC today... Wen Qi took half day leave saying he was attending his cousin's ROM... But he came to have lunch with me... This guys are really smart...!~

Feel that there is alot of people caring for me... But sometimes i realli wonder if it's sympathy or true concern... I'm very touched what Irene said to me... 'Stay strong!!! I remember ppl told me Caren wun cry.. she nv will cry one.. so. i wan back the old Caren k.. work hard for it.' Thank you Irene... I know i would find back the old self again...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 7:31 PM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

The skies became dark this evening... It started to rain... Its like the gods knew something... The clouds were crying for me...

I said what i had to... Did what i had to... Took back all the things that belonged to me... Forgiven the people that hurt me... Suddenly, i feel so relieved... All the hurt seems to be fading away slowly... I'm sure i would be able to sleep well tonight for the very first time after so long... Tomorrow i start a fresh life ahead...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:37 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I still can't sleep well... I wonder sleeping pills will help...?
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:16 PM

Monday, March 22, 2004

I haven't done much at work today... I broke down again at work... Went to the toilet a few times to cry... Every thing is over... I will get over it but it's gonna take some time...

Happen to see Chermaine and Rahim after work cause they were meeting up with him... I started to cry again in front of Chermaine... I was trying really hard to control myself... I was meeting Malcolm and Wen Qi... Actually i wanted to meet up with them to cry... Stupid isn't it...? But... When i was with them at Haagen Daz at the Esplanade, i had no more tears already... Actually when i was at work today i've already found out the truth about everything... Suddenly, all the doubts and happenings seem to fall into place... Wen Qi and Malcolm was so nice... They thought i would be crying and crying non stop so they kinda came prepared... They bought a packet of tissue that cost 50 cents for me... I didn't use any of it not even opened it yet but i did used Chermaine's one... For those who sincerely care for me... 'THANK YOU GUYS!~' Wen Qi send me home today... Again it feels so weird... Its been some time people send me home... My house security guard must be thinking... 'How come this girl always come home got different people send her home one...?'

I've decided to stop crying from today onwards... Will not ever shed a tear for him anymore... I will move on... I must, and i will... After this incident i realized i can be very weak and vulnerable... I guess i just have to enforce on my heartlessness from this moment on, it's for self defense... And i will not blog anything about that incident anymore... So... KPO blog readers of my site you guys can stop visiting my site... No offense, i'm only kidding...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:04 PM

I've been feeling really down since yesterday... He called me in the late morning saying he had things to tell me... Everytime when i asked him what it was, he would say nothing... I know him too well... I know in situations like these he surely had things to tell me just that he didn't know how to put it... He said 'I went out with her...' He repeatedly asked me if he was bad... Somehow, he always knew i would never said he was... And said the usual 2 words 'I'm sorry...' again... I know you read my blog often... Just to tell you... Never say that you are sorry unless you sincerely are... Cause saying it and not feeling it will only make yourself feel better, that's all... I told him he needn't tell me about him and her cause it doesn't really matter to me... I asked if he still love me but he answered that he still cared for me... He is just using something nice to cover up the answer he didn't want to say... So i continued to say... 'Since you don't like or love me anymore... And you like her now right?'... It was such a definite 'Ya...' that he gave back... 'So you don't have to matter what i think... Be with her... Go out with her... As long as you are happy, i only want you to be happy...' I admit that all he said was really hurtful to me but i've always meant the best for him... 'I'm selfish and got will punish me one day... I just told you so that you will know and not be shock when you see us together outside next time...' I said i wouldn't... I kinda expected all this though he denied about it all this while... The truth is never nice to hear but it's a fact and them being together was a predicted fact... There is nothing to be shocked about and there is no point hiding something that everyone out there already knows... If i'm not wrong, their relationship started long ago especially when i first sensed neglection from him... In the end, whatever i want to say is... Since you guys have made it this far... There is nothing more i want to say... Wish you guys all the best...

I pulled myself up and met up with P6 for dinner... I was still down but it's better then for me to be alone at home... I wanted to share a small joke here but i think Hon Tiong will kill me... You and your deflated light yellow balloon... Heehee... Jian Ming offered to send me home... Feels so weird nowadays people are sending me home...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:47 AM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I had a wonderful day today... I really enjoyed myself...

This morning when i was at work, i had nothing to do... Therefore, i went around reading other people's blog... Then i saw June's blog... She thanked me for helping her to learn PHP programming... I felt so touched... It feels really good when you help someone and get back a sincere 'ThAnK yOu'... You know what i mean...

After work, met up with Wen Qi to practice my SATS... I realized i've almost given back most of the things i learnt then back to my teacher... Today it seems that Wen Qi is the one solving most of the questions...

Then after the SATS practice session, Wen Qi and i met up with Maureen and Li Na... Malcolm is suppose to join us from DINNER onwards... BUT, he did not... Now the deal between he and i are off... I thought i am suppose to treat him dinner and he will treat me back for the movie... Now how...? You tell me how? Malcolm only met up with us later... We watched 'My Girl'... It's a thai show... That show is very very very funny... Kids are so lovable in their childhood days... It's about these 2 kids first love... We went to chill and drink at Alley Bar... A really nice place with a great atmosphere and the best part is the music ain't that loud so it makes being conversational easy... Malcolm send me home again... On the way AGAIN...? Thanx Mal...

I've just reached home actually... Wanted to blog first before i shower...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 12:27 AM

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Remember i wrote an email to her... But seems that she didn't want to reply me... I used friendster to write to her again this morning...

"A, Glad that you are getting on with your life well and that you finally see how life can be so beautiful... Cherish all you have whether it takes hardships to get it or not... There was a prize for you to learn all these... Remember it well...
Caren"

I have a confession to make... The very first time i wrote to her... I know it's bad but seems that i wrote it to make myself feel better that they will feel guilty for the rest of their lives... Wen Qi is right, unless i'm sincerely forgiving them then i should write this letter... And you know what? I'm sincerely forgiving them and also sincerely concern for her, not her only but him as well... Whatever it is, i hope all 3 of us will move on with our lives well... 'Make the best out of everything in life and always live life to the fullest!~'
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:09 AM

Friday, March 19, 2004

I felt really terrible last night... I haven't been sleeping well for the past few nights... I have been having dreams... Dreams that made me cry... Dreams that felt hurtful... Like last night, i thought i'll be able to sleep till morning... But, i just woke up in the middle of the night and started crying... Then i couldn't sleep anymore... So i just sat on my bed till the skies brightened up... I slept for awhile and before i know it, it was already time to prepare for work... I told myself not to think of such things anymore... But it seems that i have been thinking of it subconciously almost every night... When Sok or the rest of P6 sees this, they are gonna laugh at me... To them i was someone who never cried easily, someone who had a heart of stone... But now, look at me... I feel so useless nowadays...

When i was waiting at my bus stop for my bus to come... I happen to meet Alex... The thing about this guy, i could spot him like miles away... It's the way he walks, it's really unique... Anyway we had a few chats on the bus... He even gave me his namecard... Nice to have met him again after so long... He's been really busy with school and helping out his Dad's shop these days... A very good sensible boy... Admire him alot...

Well... I'm still slacking now... Have been slacking since morning... Not much to do today... Wen Qi and Malcolm still very busy with their work...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 4:23 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

I had lunch with Gary today cause i can't find anyone else to have lunch with me... He already had his lunch when he met up with me... He just wanted to accompany me... He is so nice, come all the way from home to meet me... Well, lunch was alright... We chatted for a while... He told me about this place to hang out, 'MALOHA' near Big Splash at East Coast Park... He said the seats there are like partially submerged in water or sand... Can you imagine that? That means when you are sitting down, water or sand will be all around you... Isn't that cool? Want to go there some time...

Yippee Yo Yippee Yea!!! I just finished my module 2, that's why i have the time to blog now... Wen Qi and Malcolm seems to have alot of things to work on so i can't really talk to them now... Anyway, work hard you guys!~
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 4:15 PM

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I'm feeling so tired today especially now... It's like i'm gonna collapse any moment...

My work is progressing but at a very slow speed... Speed that should be considered inefficient to me... I kind of target to get module 2 done by this week... I should be able to...

Haven't slept well the past few nights... Had dreams almost every night... Not the same dreams but always revolving around the same things... I always wake up to find alot of eye shit, most probably caused by crying the night before... Seems that i still dream about these subconciously even when i am sleeping...

After work, i'm going to go get a belated birthday gift for Eugene... He is Tze's best friend and gay partner... I feel that i owe it to him, thanx to him i think Tze enjoyed his birthday very much last year... Thought i could do something big for him on his birthday this year... But... Anyway, i'm still wandering what to get for him...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 5:28 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I just finished watching 'Shun Qin Ji'... Like that show very much, actually i like Louis Koo very much... Handsome!~ The other idol i like is Edison Chen... Have you people seen the news...? He got beaten up by two teenagers... I think it's not entirely the teenagers fault... I think his face is at fault... Too good looking and too qian bian already... Haha... Zhong kan bu zhong yong... Heehee... My mum wants to draw scars on my Edison poster when she heard the news... I will protect that poster with my life... Just kidding...

Wen Qi and Malcolm have to work OT today... Poor things... The most important is don't go hungry, at least get something to eat...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:21 PM

Monday, March 15, 2004

I almost fell asleep today at work... Programming is too boring for me i guess... Tried to put in the effort to help June learn PHP programming... She is such a poor thing...

Met up with Wen Qi, Maureen and Malcolm to watch a movie... There's really not much of the good shows out there now... So we ended up watching quite a kiddish show, 'Cat in the Hat'... But it was worth quite a few laughs... We chilled out and chatted at Starbucks after that... The air-con there was freezing...! Sorry guys if i didn't talk much tonight... But i'm quiet, not only tonight but most of the time actually... Unless you kinda know me for very long... Then maybe it might be different...

Anyway, the weird part was Malcolm kinda send me home... He took the same bus as if the bus did go to his house too... I don't know if it was intentional or unintentional... Thanks for sending me home anyway... Your act of politeness portrays a gentleman inside...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:20 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I can't believe this... I can't believe i have such an unreasonable sister... All i wanted was to use the computer for half and hour and i have to beg her and wait for her... Who does she think i am? No respect at all...! The computer at home has already been used by her most of the days and she still behaves this way...

I really had a bad day today... Went out to have lunch with my mum... I promised her to accompany her for lunch so as to kind of celebrate her birthday... It was a disappointing buffet at Toa Payoh... The food wasn't very fresh...

I told my mum today about the break up between him and i... I didn't really exactly told her the whole story... I can see in her eyes that she was very sad because of what i told her... She was feeling that this relationship was so wasted as we were almost together for 2 years... I know that too... I never wanted it to become like this... Then she said that i don't seem to feel sad about it at all and that i was heartless... I am... I am feeling very miserable about all that has happened... Just cause she doesn't see me getting sad doesn't mean i'm not sad... It hurts me so much when she said that... She continued saying that i was most probably in the wrong that i shouldn't throw my tantrums all the time... He probably stopped liking me because of my bad character... She even wanted to call him to ask him what actually happened, that i shouldn't be bullied like that... But i stopped her... I feel that she shouldn't interfere between what has happened between him and i... We should settle this ourselves... If she really did call him, most probably he is going to hate me even more... I don't want that... I know it's stupid but i still do want to protect him... I just don't want to look like i feel sad in front of her... I don't want to let her worry about me... I'm a big girl... I know how to take care of myself...

Gary was free so we met up to go roller blading at East Coast park... He really helped me forget about all the things for that period of time... I felt so lousy, he had to help me cross the humps a few times by holding my hand... He said that i could do it just that i should be more confident with myself... We chatted, saw alot of dogs of different dog breeds too... Thanx Gary for meeting up with me... Maybe i haven't bladed for some time... Feel so tired now... Better rest soon... Had such a tiring day not only physically but emotionally too...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:22 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2004

I had a great day today... Finished and submitted my documentation and was complimented a job well done during this morning's meeting...

Met up with Gary for lunch... He is such a funny guy... Thinks too much though... Well he is the kind of person who thinks about getting a wife when he doesn't even have a girlfriend yet...! And the funniest thing is he can talk and talk... Laugh and laugh... At his own thinking... We had a long lunch... After that, we went to see puppies... They are soooo cute!~ I really have the temptation to get one... Gary has got two and he still wants another Jack Russell... I want that dog too but it's too highly active for me to handle... Getting from pet shops are really expensive too... May consider adopting from SPCA... Then we went to East Coast Park for a while... Had time to take some strolls and feel the breeze... I saw some people canoeing... I want to canoe too... Gary and i planned to go to Sentosa some time... I know we will have the chance too... Can't wait... I'm pretty excited...

Anyway, i'm back home now... So before i wrote this, i wrote a letter to that girl... Hope everything is picking up for both of them...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:24 PM

Friday, March 12, 2004

He didn't come to work today... Must have fallen sick from the past few days of getting into the rain... That silly boy, never knows how to take care of himself... I hope he gets better soon... Was abit angry with him, he didn't even bother to call or message me to tell me that he is not coming to work today... Once again, i am the last one to know in the whole office... When everybody was like asking me 'How come you don't know?'... Duh... I don't have to know anything when nobody told me anything...

Thanks to Wen Qi, my blog doesn't have that irritating advertisement anymore... Doesn't the surf girl look prettier now? Anyway, it's a girl on a surf board not a girl coming out from the swimming pool... Hope somebody gets it...!

Had lunch with Sok, JingLi and Joanne... We were talking about getting into Universities and taking SATs... Seems that i shouldn't put hopes too high... But i'm not giving up the chance of even trying to get into one...

I can't wait for the SIP to be over... I am going to make sure that i finish my stuff as i am suppose to, so that i do not have to work here after the SIP last day is over... SIP countdown...!!!
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 3:14 PM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Yeah!~ I'm almost finishing my documentation... I'm still left with the content page... After all the documentation is done, it's back to programming again...

Anyway, i'm in high spirits today... Coming to think about it... I am so lucky... I was talking to Wen Qi and Mal for the whole of this morning... And at alot of times, we were talking rubbish... They really do help me get out of boredom... Was really happy today...

Got to know Malcolm through Wen Qi... My impressions of him ain't realli good... He is the kinda guy that girls will like but not the guys... He seems some sort of the attention seeker kind... That's what i thought then... After knowing him, he turned out to be pretty nice... A great entertainer i must say... Made me laugh today... ALOT!~ But maybe he has got some bad habits, for example like not washing his hands after eating the apple, instead wiping it on his bag... Oops*!~... It was really nice knowing you...

Back to my bro... Have to write about him too... Or else he is going to get jealous again... I think he has changed alot compared to the first time i knew him... I can see he is putting in the effort to control his temper now... Not as bad tempered as he used to be... And his doing things to improve his life too... I'm so happy and proud of him now that he is more optimistic nowadays... Keep it up alright...?
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 4:26 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Life as usual today... I've been doing documentation for the whole day... It's so tiring... Arghhhhhh!~

I want to go home to watch American Idol... This week there is William Hung!!! William Hung Rocks!~ Simon Sucks!~

Anyway, i think i've really let go of everything... Cause i don't feel that hurtful anymore...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 6:01 PM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I haven't written for some time... I was struggling really hard these few days... Thought about alot of things... Made lots of decisions too... I want to live my life happily like i used to, back to the time when nothing in the world can bring me down... Ever...

Today i finally got the SWAT figurine for him... It was suppose to be a Valentine's gift but it kinda came late, too late... But it was meant for him in the first place... Saw that smile on his face... I'm really contented... Guess that's the last thing i can do for him anyway...

I never want to think about him anymore... It will only make myself miserable... Even if i did, he would still be living his life as usual like i never existed in his life... He will forget me sooner or later in times to come and i know i will too...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 9:48 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

These few days... I've been struggling so hard...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 11:49 AM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I went to his house last night... I was thinking of getting back some things... Found the Valentine's Day cards i sent him... I couldn't help but tore them right in front of him... He started crying... It's not that i have never seen him cry before... This time it was different... There was so much pain in him... I know he still loves me but why won't he admit it... He cried and kept on saying he didn't love me anymore... He was lying... I know he was!

I'm sorry for not listening to you sincerely with my heart... I never knew there were already so many problems between us... I never realized it... Why didn't i...?
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 10:14 AM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Work is great today... Got my problems solved at last, yesterday... Phew... Feels really good when everything seems to fall in the right place in the end... 'It's always alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end...'

Anyway, i was thinking of getting a dog... Mum seems to allow it now, but she says i have to choose smaller breed dogs if i were to get one... The idea of getting a dog is really nice but then again, its food, grooming and medical checkup will cost me a bomb...
~!Life Goes On!~

Juneunicorn blogged at 12:35 PM